After about three months of negotiating with a private university in Fl, I finally reached a deal with their financial aid office about my scholarship and made a monthly payment plan for the part of tuition I have to pay out of pocket. July 15th, 2021, the due day of my second payment, I received a phone call from the school. They told me that I am not eligible for these scholarships, as if they had not spent three months looking into my documents and went through every detail with me. My transfer procedure is suddenly terminated.
However, my feelings about this tragedy are complicated. I was devastated because I lost a chance to continue my education which I desperately needed for bridging the gap between me and America. I also feel relieved, as if I knew it would happen but just didn’t know when and how. Now, the second boot has finally dropped.
I have been trying very hard with everything ever since I moved from China to America. As an immigrant, I have a belief that I have to do better than others, especially these native speakers, so I can have a chance to be recognized. Recognized by who? I don’t know. By my professors when I am in the classroom; by my supervisor when I am at work; by others when I am in a crowd…With such a belief, I never arrive late. With such motivation, I never appear in public places without a neat appearance. With such stress, I keep dreaming that I drive around in a parking lot but couldn't find a parking spot.
I have held onto my American dream fast. I assume my American dream would turn around to give me a hug someday too.
I didn’t know, my American dream, particularly about this private college, is a narcissistic boyfriend. First, he love bombed me, with all kinds of promotions and meetings, made me feel that he was the perfect lover for me. Then I went through a bunch of tests to convince him I want him as well and I am his perfect candidate. But after I let my guard down and was ready to throw myself to him, he ghosted me ----Nobody in charge from that college’s financial office was willing to answer my question: How come they suddenly changed their mind after we already went through three months of hassle together?
Just like a victim of a narcissist lover. I started to recall every little thing when I was dealing with that college. Did I do anything wrong? Maybe the email I sent right before this cancelation sounded too ambitious? Maybe I used some language that didn't show my respect enough? I know I will never find a good answer from them, and if I keep digging into those details, I will be stuck in the dark tunnel forever. I can’t let this negative energy nibble me away.
I closed my eyes, let the tears run. But in my mind, I recall the image of my parents’ farmland, surrounded by mountains. In the winter, you will see nothing on the field except withered and yellow stalks laying lifeless everywhere, with the land cold and rigid covered by snow. For months, we would just sit around a fire pit making plans for what to grow in the upcoming spring. And in the spring, we will never be disappointed, the lush green and the vigorous sprouts come out from underground. Farmers will keep themselves busy for the rest of the year till the next winter visiting.
Where I am at, is winter. But the spring will come. I tell myself.